


Job Opening

by epersonae



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Post-Canon, Seattle liveshow 2018, dumb office shenanigans, i mean seriously, lucretia stares into the camera like she's on the office, wtf taako
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-09 16:41:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16453571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epersonae/pseuds/epersonae
Summary: Tres Horny Boys arrive at the Bureau with a new hire. The Director has a few things to say about that.





	Job Opening

The entirety of the Director’s desk is covered with scrolls and maps and blueprints; she’s poring over a manifest for building materials when the door bursts open. Three familiar figures, with another trailing behind them, and her assistant behind that.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” says her assistant from the reception area, “they said they didn’t need an appointment, and they wouldn’t—”

“You wouldn’t make us make an appointment!” says Magnus with a laugh.

“We’re old pals, and pals don’t need appointments,” adds Merle.

Taako sits in the chair in front of the desk and throws his booted feet on top of a pile of papers, scuffing dirt across a map of downtown Neverwinter. “Real old pals, huh Lucy?”

Her tight smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes as she stares back at him.

“How can I help you boys?” she asks.

Magnus looks at the human man standing in the doorway: dark hair slicked back, pale skin, long black leather coat, and gestures him forward, saying, “She doesn’t bite, not like you used to.” He laughs at his own joke as the man glances from Magnus to Lucretia and back again. Magnus continues, “So we met this Dracula—”

“Really, he was tryin’ to hire us,” adds Merle.

“But it was never going to work,” says Taako, pointedly examining his nails instead of returning Lucretia’s look. “Too many meetings.”

“Yeah, yeah, yup, instead we, uh, turned him into not a Dracula?” says Magnus.

“Oh, that was all cha’boy. Transmutation’s pretty rad, huh?”

“Congratulations,” she says, tapping her pen on the paperwork on her desk. “And what does that have to do with me?”

“He can be your HR guy!” shouts Magnus.

Lucretia’s eyebrow shoots up.

“I have one. Technically, I have a whole office.”

“You know who we mean, Creesh,” says Taako with a sigh and a roll of his eyes. “Bradson, ugh. Oh, and by the way:  _ Human  _ Resources? Racist much?”

“Yeah!” adds Merle.

Dracula shifts from foot to foot, looking anywhere but at Lucretia.

“You’re asking me to fire my extremely competent manager of Personnel Services, Brad Bradson, in order to hire…. Dracula?” The tapping increases slightly in tempo.

Magnus, Merle, and Taako all answer at once:

“Well I guess if you put it like that…”

“Why the heck not?”

“Natch.”

Her tense expression relaxes all at once, and the corner of her mouth twitches.

“Dracula.”

He finally looks at her, blinking rapidly.

She opens her mouth, pauses, closes it again, and finally says, “Do you have a resume?”

“No but I would be happy to fill out an application if you have one,” he says in a mellifluous accent. “I have a great deal of executive experience.”

“Excellent.” She raises her voice slightly: “Alex, will you take—” She pauses, her mouth twitching again. “Please take this Dracula down to Personnel and have him fill out the usual new hire forms.” She stands, setting the pen down and folding her hands in front of her. “As always, it’s delightful to see you. Merle, Magnus, Taako.” They all look at her expectantly. “Now get the hell out of my office.”

The door closes, and she can hear them talking loudly, arguing about what they should have done, whether Brad really even needs that job, and so on until they’ve left the reception and moved out of her hearing. As soon as she’s sure they’re out of earshot, she sits in her chair and dissolves in laughter. Finally she wipes the tears from her eyes and presses a button on her desk.

“Madame Director?” answers the smooth voice on the other end.

“Brad, the boys have had another incident, and this one’s a doozy.”

There’s the slightest hesitation on the other end of the line, but Brad replies, “Always happy to help.”

“Do you have a placement for….” She takes a deep breath, tapping the pencil on her papers again. “...a former Dracula?”

Through the stone, the soft shuffling of folders and papers. “Yes, ma’am, I think I do.”

“Brad Bradson, you’re a goddamn treasure, and don’t let anyone tell you any different.”

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sitting on this since I went to the Seattle liveshow, because the exact second that Justin said he could find Dracula a job, this scene flashed into my mind almost entirely fully formed.


End file.
